My Father,
My father represents alot of things to me. I have the thank him for the greatest momeries I have. Not to many men are like my dad. He introduced me to music,people and the outdoors. A typical day spend with my dad growing up would be vary in everything but time spent together. I have great memories of doing things with little money to spend. As a child, he tried to make ski's out of 2X4's and the straps from my moms sandles. They didn't work but we had a runner sled anyhow. When the roads were bad he would pull me for hours on that sled just like he would carry me on his shoulders. Every morning we would go to Lee's (sutersville) to eat breakfast and talk to his buddies. Jack, Lee, Gary, Chuck I remember most of them. Everyone would eventually leave and we would be no exception. He would take me fishing for hours. He didn't fish or hunt but he loved to be outside. He would wax the car or look for wildflowers. Most times we would end our fishing trips sometimes by sharing a roast beef and cheese hoagie from Dairy Land. I don't recall going to many places with the radio on in the vehicle (although he loved music). He was always talking to me about things and always open to my opinions. He never wanted me to grow up to fast or leave any doubts to things I wanted to do. I recall one time him asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up. I replies I wanted to play music. Instead of saying that's a pipe dream and you can't make a living on that. My dad replied, That's great you will be able to see the world. He was always positive. He always had a plan for us when he would pick me up but he would change things if I asked him to. He loved me so much. Together, we went to all the festivals,Fairs,light up nights and events in the local area. Even though we had a shortage of money we never had a shortage of things to do together and occasionally something will come back to me. A smell , a sound or a song. I start to day dream when I hear a push mower in the distance and smell the cut grass cause it takes me back to waking up from a nap to find the back door open and you cutting grass. No matter how big the yard or how hot the day was he would always smile when he got close to me. So may first things happened in his presence. Listening to albums, seeing first monster truck, caught first of many species of fish, first friend (dad) the list can go forever. Coming from divorced parents always seemed to take me further from my dad as time went on. My dad working and us moving.
My dad was the man behind the camera. Thanks to him my childhood would be immortalized in pictures. These would be some of the greatest times of my life so far. I look at these pictures and almost recall what life was like at one time. Being behind the camera had it's downfalls for me though. I don't have many pictures of him or us together because it was always just the two of us.
Later in life I would grow older, take him for granted and ignore the gift that he had given to me. He gave me patience,memories,kindness and a positive beginnings in life. I in return would try to bully him because he would let me. He still loved me and the more he loved me the more I would try to convince him not to. This went of for years. I was a horrible teen/twenty something. I believe my dad held of to those childhood memories of me to keep from hitting me. He was to peaceful to hit me. He wasn't like most dads he didn't want to scare me,beat me or threaten. Everything was possitive and he never gave up on me like I did him.
His Birthday is coming up in a couple days and It's on a Friday the 13th. He was born on Feb. 13th on a Friday and he always believed Friday the thirteenth was his lucky day. He was real spiritual but didn't go to church much. He would say things that almost made him seem crazy but now I know better.
The last year I had with him was almost like a story. A sad one but none the less it seemed scripted. He spent every Holiday with my Family. My parents (who always remained friends) were able to stay in the same house. My mom was staying with us at the time. Christmas and New Years would never be as good after this.
April would bring the end of things. Easter would come in April in 07 and I remember he was here for that holiday as well. Having cabin fever we all went to Kmart because they were open. I remember looking down the main isle from where I was and seeing him with my family. I would have jury duty the next day (Apr 9th) I remember my dad an I going out to the gas station. He wanted to make sure I had gas and money for parking or lunch. We talked and he stated to get negative lately most likely from years of me dumping it on him. I told him I was sorry and I don't know why I get so mad and say mean things but I was gonna try to change and I needed him to be positive for me. He agreed and headed back to my house. Your so vain came on the radio and I remember him singing it and it took my back to my childhood and a trivial pursuit game. My birthday was on Weds. the 11th and I was turning thirty this year. My dad took it harder than I did. 30 was hard for him I was told by others but he never wanted to complain to much. I told him the only way I'm going of my diet was if he bought me a DQ ice cream cake. My Birthday came and as soon as he got off work he headed down here with cake in hand. I was in my yard when I seen him coming. He got out of the car with my cake and I got excited like a child would. Things seemed to be changing in me for the better. I got a card from him with a bear and apples on it and the writtings of "when I seen this card its made me think of you, My baby boy" I hugged him like I use to when I was a kid. This would be the last holiday I would have with him. The next day after leaving my house we would be in a car accident when a 17 year old female drunk driver would hit him head on. He died later in the hospital. I would find out the next day when a Pa State Trooper came to my house. It was Friday the 13th and I will never forget that day. I couldn't believe my best friend was not going back to me. Looking back it's like he knew and maybe all of us knew. I made peace with him and told him how much I loved him before it was to late. I think he has always been an angel and that's why he would say things that didn't make sense to us concerning heaven and god. The day I found out about this loss, I was numb but still able to feel the pain. Recalling the past days, months and years with him and all the site,smells and places we have shaved just days before. That day we recieved a sign from him. A male ringneck pheasant walked through my yard and my wife and I stopped and was able to smile briefly. Just weeks before he died he asked me " rock, do you ever get pheasants down here" and I said had I haven't had a pheasant in my yard for probably 10 years. I believe he sends me signs all the time through my sons actions because my son is just as bad as I was and I'm sure he's laughing at my frustration. I seen that pheasant again this year while hunting fox. I shot a fox above my house this Nov. and when I walked up to claim it I looked back 30 yards to where I was sitting to see a male ringneck sitting in the same indentation I made from sitting in the grass.
It dosen't ever get easier. People say it does but I think they are avoiding dealing with it. I can stay away from the cemetary or the places we used to hangout together and feel strong but when I do cross these places I'm reminded of how much I do miss him and that all the fighting I've ever done couldn't protect him from this. I have so much guilt. My Dad was a bringer of life. He would plant trees and flowers and never wanted to talk bad about people. I wish I could be more like him but I believe he was one of a kind. I took after my moms side of the family and expose the bad things in life and people. At his funeral I heard so many great stories about my father. I had never been more proud of him in my life. I knew all the things he had done for me but to see how he touched people lives with kindness. I also found out that some guy from work was giving him fruit to eat istead of candy. This makes me laugh because my dad would always bring me one piece of fruit a day and I never knew where he was getting it from.
My dad did the best he could and I could not have asked him for anymore. I am the one who changed our relationship and he always kept it open for me to come back to when needed. You might be wondering what brought this on and let the truth be known that I wasn't strong enough to say these things at his funeral and he deserves it. It has taken me so long to comment on this because I wanted it to be perfect. Then I realized it will never be perfect but my dad would love it just the same.
